


Double the Quantity

by Pepperweb



Series: A Wizard's Guide to Food-Related Charms [3]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic), Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Harry Potter Setting, F/M, First Kiss, M/M, Underage Drinking, abuse of magical potions, but not really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-21
Updated: 2016-05-21
Packaged: 2018-06-09 19:08:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6919537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pepperweb/pseuds/Pepperweb
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>‘Bro what did you <em>do</em>?!<br/>‘How on earth did you manage to piss Bitty off that much?’<br/>‘No pies for a <em>whole fucking term</em>?’</p><p>The story of how Ransom and Holster found out about Bitty’s crush on Jack and were subsequently banned from eating his pies for the entire spring term of school.</p><p>A Check Please!/ Harry Potter AU</p>
            </blockquote>





	Double the Quantity

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to everyone who has been so positive about this verse. I am loving exploring it and sharing it with you guys.
> 
> Again a big thanks to Vivian_Curtis for reading this through for me and being so encouraging this week.
> 
> This is set a year before 'Recipe For Love (No Added Magic)' and 'Best Before End Date'. Bitty is in his fourth year and Jack is in his sixth year at Hogwarts. And yes, there is a lot of underage drinking by muggle standards but hey, this is the wizarding world where apparently third years can drink butterbeer so..........

 

‘Awww yeah! Thanks Bits’ said Lardo as she took a full helping of pie from Bitty.

‘This is the fucking shit’ said Shitty his mouth stuffed full. The others, Dex, Nursey and Chowder nodded in agreement, silenced by the eating of apple pie. Bitty passed a plate to Jack who took it with a smile, ‘Do you do any of your homework Bittle, or are you just trying to set a new record for number of pies baked per month?’

‘Oh shush,’ said Bitty but he smiled internally at the chirp. He busied himself with his own slice and went to perch on the arm of the chair Jack was sat in.

Lured by the smell of freshly baked pie, it was no surprise that Ransom and Holster came bounding into the Hufflepuff common room minutes later where they soon spotted the rest of the Hufflepuff Quidditch Team sat around the fireplace shovelling pie.  

‘Bro yes! Fucking team pie time!’ cried Ransom lunging for the pie dish which was on one of the low tables. But before he could reach it, Bitty drew his wand lightning quick caused the pie to vanish.

‘Dude what?!’ cried Ransom, looking up at Bitty in outrage.

‘Did you think that I’d forgotten?’ asked Bitty, levelling a stern look at the two Beaters.

‘Bitty come on, it’s after the Christmas hols, we’ve been without your pie too long,’ moaned Holster. They were both looking at him now with imploring, pleading looks.

‘Well you’re just going to have to get used to it,’ replied Bitty in his teacher’s voice. He would not be swayed from his decision for anything, ‘No pie for the rest of the Spring term.’

The rest of the Quidditch team looked from Bitty to the Beaters in horror.

‘Bro what did you _do?!_

 _‘_ How on earth did you manage to piss Bitty off that much?’

‘No pies for a _whole fucking term_?’

 Holster opened his mouth as if to explain, but Bitty cut him off ‘Uh uh… you, sir, will keep your mouth shut if you want to taste any pie at all for the rest of the school year.’

‘Merlin’s beard you guys, you really fucked up.’

‘No pie? That’s rough bro. That’s worse than when Jack makes us do Quidditch practice blindfolded in the pouring rain for 5 hours.’

‘Well,’ said Jack around the spoon he’d stuck in his mouth, his bowl clean, ‘When it comes to pie, don’t mess with Bittle.’

So even though there were howls of protest from Ransom and Holster and begging and pleading for him to reconsider, Bitty stood firm.

You see, whilst part of Bitty was impressed with what Ransom and Holster had managed to pull off at the Yule Ball before Christmas, the other part was _absolutely furious_ with them for pulling it off. He was impressed that they’d had the balls to attempt it in the first place. Their target was by no means subtle or unknown. No, their target had been Jack Zimmerman. Hogwarts Quidditch legend. Shy, but not inconspicuous by any means. He was also quite impressed with how they’d managed to get all the ingredients. Bitty had trouble just getting plain, non-magical ingredients into the Hogwarts kitchens for his baking, so how they’d smuggled contraband potion ingredients into the castle was beyond him. And the _brewing_. It was far from a simple potion, with brewing time of one whole month.

So yeah, Bitty was kind of impressed, but also really, really not. Because what they had done had resulted in them finding out about his crush on Jack. And for that, there must be consequences. Withholding pie from them was the least they deserved.

 

*~*

**_Three weeks earlier……._ **

 

‘What do you think?’ asked Bitty nervously, coming out of the shared bathroom of his dorm.

‘Very nice’ said Lardo approvingly, looking him up and down. Bitty was really not sold on the wizarding idea of fashion. Dress robes? Really? The frills were not his thing. So he’d worn his blue shirt and blazer with smart navy trousers as a base layer and put a navy outer robe over the top.

‘Bow tie?’ asked Lardo, coming forward with the red silk in her hand.

‘Thanks’ said Bitty gratefully. ‘You think it’s really okay? I know it’s quite muggleish, but the proper dress robes would drown me.’ The girls had it easy Bitty thought, all they had to do was wear a pretty dress. Lardo was wearing a very nice black number with a long necklace of pearls that her grandmother swore were from Atlantis waters, but that Lardo said her grandma had probably got from the thrift store downtown.

‘I think you look hot.’ said Lardo with a wink. She finished tying the bowtie, and after straightening it she stepped back to appraise the whole ensemble. ‘Yup, Jack won’t be able to keep his eyes off you.’

‘Lardo!’ hissed Bitty. ‘That’s not who...I’m not trying to…. _who said anything about Jack!_?’

‘Bro,’ said Lardo because she really didn’t have to say anything more. Bitty’s red face was doing enough of the talking.

 ‘Come on,’ she said with a jerk of her head. ‘Let’s see if we both can’t get a kiss under the mistletoe tonight.’ She held out her elbow and Bitty came forward to link his own with hers and they headed down to the Great Hall.

As they crossed the common room they caught sight of someone checking their appearance in one of mirrors hanging on the wall near the exit.

‘Looking good Mr Zimmerman’ trilled the mirror loudly. And the person jumped and looked around in shock. It was indeed Jack. Bitty’s heart did that little twisty jumping thing it always did when he saw the Quidditch Captain.

‘S’up Bro’ said Lardo by way of greeting.

Jack looked startled to see them. He’d apparently been distracted and hadn’t noticed them approaching.

‘Oh Lards…hi…I thought you’d guys already gone down?’ he said sounding a little unsure.

‘Nah, we’re aiming for fashionably late,’ shrugged Lardo, ‘Party don’t start till we walk in and all that shit.’

‘Are you coming to the ball?’ Bitty asked Jack. He’d thought Jack had said he wasn’t going to the ball. But here he was in full dress robes and of course they looked _perfect_ on him. Well, they would. Jack was tall and handsome and strong and….uh oh, Bitty needed to stop thinking about how attractive Jack looked. Always a dangerous trail of thought that.

‘Oh umm yeah, of course I am Bits!’ Jack smiled down at the two of them and continued ‘I’m just waiting for Rans, and then we’ll head down to the Ball together.’

Lardo nodded, ‘See you down there bro.’ And with a tug she led Bitty through the exit and into the kitchen corridor.

‘That was weird,’ said Bitty glancing behind them to make sure the entrance to the Hufflepuff Common Room had closed. ‘Don’t you think that was weird? He called me Bits, he never calls me that, it’s always Bittle.’

‘What? Oh well, maybe he’s finally softening up a little,’ said Lardo dismissing Bitty’s unease. She hip checked him lightly, ‘About time! Told ya you looked hot.’

‘Well, umm yeah it is nice,’ said Bitty, ‘But I dunno, I just felt that something wasn’t quite right…he said he wasn’t going to go, I was sure of it.‘

‘I know Jack hates this sort of thing,’ said Lardo, who clearly wasn’t looking into it as much as Bitty was, ‘I guess when your dad is Bad Bob Zimmerman, world famous Quidditch player and top ten highest chaser scorer of all time then you get sick of attending parties. But maybe he changed his mind?’

‘You’re probably right,’ sighed Bitty. Once again he was reminded how far out of his league Jack was. Jack was the son of Quidditch Royalty. The game was the Wizarding World’s favourite sport. And Jack was a prodigy, destined to follow in his dad’s footsteps. Whilst Bitty…..Bitty would like to not fail transfiguration at the end of the year thank you very much, and not getting kicked off the Quidditch team would also be quite nice. Bitty knew he had strengths, knew that there were things he was good at, but baking non-magical goods was not very impressive in the magical world. And whilst he was he would admit that he was quite a good Seeker, his problem was always going to be his crippling fear of bludgers. And what good was a Seeker who spent most of his time looking out for other balls rather than the one he was supposed to catch?

So although Jack always happily ate his baked creations, really, what did Bitty have to offer Jack?

He frowned and tried to pull himself together. Tonight he was going to have a good time! He wasn’t going to let his longstanding crush on Jack ruin what was going to be a very fun night. He rolled his shoulders determinedly and kept pace with Lardo all the way to the Great Hall.

*~*

The Yule Ball was originally supposed to be only held during the year of a Triwizard Tournament, but due to popular demand, the school board had decided it would become a regular fixture on the school calendar. A chance for the students to celebrate the end of a long term before heading off home for the Christmas holidays.

The Great Hall was bedecked in silver this year. Huge Christmas trees dominated the four corners of the hall and you could hardly see the branches under the weight of the decorations. There were tables around the sides of the room and a large space in the middle left for dancing.

Lardo and Bitty had arrived fashionably late to the party. Already the drinks were in full swing and the dancefloor was well populated.

‘Punch bowl!’ announced Lardo and dropping Bitty’s arm she made a beeline for the ginormous bowl of punch on a table at the side. Professor McGonagall was eyeing every student that approached like a hawk. Ensuring that would-be punch spikers would not be successful.

Bitty turned to the other side of the hall and spotted Shitty lounging at a table, drink in hand. He headed over and took a seat next to him.

‘Bitty! Looking good bro!’ said Shitty enthusiastically. He himself was dressed in a long outer robe but was only wearing dress pants underneath, no shirt, although there was a cravat tied elegantly around his neck, betraying his pure-blood ancestry.

‘Thanks Shitty,’ replied Bitty. ‘I thought you weren’t going to wear anything this year?’

‘Nah brah, McGonagall got wind of my plans. Some Gryffindor overhead us the other day and I got my ass hauled into her office and threatened with expulsion if I dared go starkers.’

Bitty was secretly relieved Shitty had been forced to wear _some_ clothes to the ball. As entertaining as it would have been, Shitty would have no doubt been in deep, deep shit if that had happened and with the way Hufflepuff had been playing so far this term, they needed to keep every member of their team. The loss to Gryffindor back in November still stung.

‘Well there’s always next year,’ said Bitty.

Shitty raised his glass of punch to Bitty in a salute, ‘Too right brah,’ then ,‘Lards!’ he shouted in greeting to Lardo who was weaving her way through the tables towards them. She handed a full glass of punch to Bitty.

‘Cheers to the genius who spiked this,’ she said, taking a sip.

‘Well, yours truly had a tough time getting past the house elves but it was worth it,’ said Shitty smugly.

‘Brah’ drawled Lardo, clearly impressed. Bitty took a mouthful of the punch and ‘Good Lord!’ he nearly choked, resulting in Shitty pounding him on the back, ‘...that’s strong’ he gasped.

‘The Hog’s Head’s finest firewhiskey,’ said Shitty, ‘Put my dad’s funds to some use and bought the whole stock.’

‘And what, you poured an entire _barrel_ into the bowl?’

‘Bro, what do you take me for?’ said Shitty outraged, ‘It was two barrels.’

‘I’m not sure how I feel about the frogs drinking this,’ said Bitty, still recovering from his first gulp of punch. Lardo was currently drinking it like water.

‘Any idiot can tell this is laced,’ she said, ‘If they want to keep on drinking it then it’s up to them.’

‘You’d trust Chowder with this stuff?’ said Bitty.

‘Ah,’ said Shitty, ‘Well…..about that.’

‘What?’ asked Bitty, now very worried about his precious child Chowder. ‘Where is he?’

‘Brah don’t worry, he’s here,’ said Shitty and he lifted the tablecloth to reveal a snoring Chowder curled up under the table.

Bitty squeaked and brought his hands up to his mouth. ‘Shitty what have you _done?’_ he exclaimed.

‘Bitty quit worrying, Chowder never could hold his drink,’ said Lardo, tipping her glass up and draining the rest of her punch. ‘Right losers, I’m going to dance.’ And with that she stood and left them.

‘Damn she looks good tonight,’ sighed Shitty watching after her with longing in his eyes.

‘I don’t know why you don’t go for it,’ said Bitty, ‘Not that it’s any of my business but I think she likes you back you know,’

‘I’m not going to mess up what we have,’ said Shitty swilling the dregs in his glass. ‘We’re only teenagers dude. Got years to figure that stuff out. Best to be friends for now.’

Bitty sighed, ‘How do you do it Shitty? How do you be friends with someone when-‘

‘Jack!’ Shitty interrupted loudly. Bitty jumped and turned around to see Jack walking purposely over to the two of them.

‘Shits have you seen Holster?’ said Jack in an urgent tone. Bitty noticed that his tie had been loosened and his hair looked tousled and….was that an emerging hickey on his neck?

‘Sorry Brah, haven’t seen him or Rans tonight. Probably busy somewhere with someone.’

‘Oh right, yeah, I guess you’re right. Ummm well okay. I’ll see you later…Oh by the way Bits, looking good.’ Jack gave a nod to Bitty before spinning around and exiting the Hall.

‘So he calls you Bits now eh?’ asked Shitty, grinning. Bitty was still gaping after Jack. Jack had called him ‘Bits’ again and had actually complimented him. And on his appearance. Not something Quidditch related. _What was going on in the world?_

‘Yeah,’ said Bitty slowly, trying to come to terms with what had just happened, ‘but…it’s odd. Don’t you think it’s odd?’

‘Nah, it takes him a while to warm up to things that aren’t Quidditch related. And it’s been what…three years? You’re on track dude. He’ll be letting you sleep naked in his bed in another two.’

Bitty abruptly spat out his punch, gasping he spluttered, ‘Good Lord, _Shitty.’_

_Don’t think about being in Jack’s bed. Don’t think about being naked with Jack. Don’t think about being naked with Jack in Jack’s bed……shit._

‘Shitty I’m gonna go dance,’ Bitty announced, setting down his glass and standing up. He needed to distract himself right now.

Shitty nodded, ‘Brah, I think I need to go and referee the butterbeerpong tournament, things don’t look rowdy enough over there.’ Shitty nodded his head towards the entrance hall. ‘Send Lards over in a little while. She needs to remind everyone why she’s school champion.’

‘Will do!’ called out Bitty over his shoulder as he went to join Lardo on the dance floor.

 

*~*

They were a couple of songs into dancing and Bitty was getting another drink of punch when he spotted Jack again. He was being led to the dancefloor by a very tall and pretty blonde Slytherin. Bitty watched as she turned around with her back to Jack’s chest and brought his hands down to her hips as she started to dance. Bitty had never seen Jack dance before. He only rarely came to parties, either the Yule Ball or the house parties that the other Quidditch boys threw. So seeing Jack dance was an entirely new experience for him. And….Jack was good. He was a good dancer.

It really shouldn’t have been a surprise for Bitty, considering how graceful Jack was when he was on a broom. But that was Quidditch, this was on solid ground. Seeing Jack dance was doing things to Bitty, making him feel things.

What Bitty wouldn’t give to be in that girl’s shoes. She was properly grinding back into Jack now, and his hands were gripping her possessively. He’d brought his head down so he could mouth along her neck.

‘Bits, you coming?’

Bitty was startled from his ogling by Lardo. She’d come to stand next to Bitty but he hadn’t noticed her until she’d spoken. But he found he couldn’t tear his eyes from the sight in front of him.

‘Fucking hell, is that Patricia White?’ she said, spotting Jack and the blonde sixth year.

‘Is it?’ asked Bitty, his voice coming out strained.

‘Fuck it _is,’_ said Lardo, slightly in awe, ‘I’d never have put those two together.’

‘Mmmmmh?’ asked Bitty, not trusting how his voice would sound. Patricia White had now turned around to face Jack. They were still dancing extremely close and….yep…now they were snogging. Patricia had run her hands into Jack’s hair and pulled him down into an almost obscene kiss, still grinding against the Quidditch Captain.

‘Ugh’ said Lardo, sounding disgusted. ‘Come on Bits, let’s get out of here, I don’t really want to witness those two having tonsil hockey.’

She grabbed Bitty’s arm and dragged him from the hall. Bitty tore his eyes from the sight.

What was he thinking? He felt so stupid, his crush on Jack was so stupid. Rule number one: never fall for a straight boy. Here was clear evidence, clear proof that this stupid crush on Jack was so utterly pointless. Up until now, Jack had never shown interest in anyone in the school. There were rumours about him and the Gryffindor Quidditch Captain Camilla Collins, but those had never been confirmed.

Well now Jack was apparently into Patricia White. How fun. Bitty tried to put the image of the two of them out of his mind for now, but the sight of the Slytherin sixth year running her hands through Jack’s hair, the way she’d caught his lip between her own…how much did Bitty want to be the one doing that?

He was brought out of his thoughts abruptly by Lardo shoving a drink into his hands and telling him to down it and watch out for any foul play, ‘Hex anyone who looks shifty Bits,’

Bitty nodded in response, there were a couple of Slytherins who were eyeing the butterbeerpong table with interest. He would not put it past any of them not to cheat. Shitty was marshalling the younger students, trying to simultaneously egg on the cheering but keep the crowd from getting too close to the table.

In the end of course, Lardo trounced everyone and was crowned butterbeerpong champion for the third year running. Shitty lifted her onto his shoulders and didn’t set her down for the remainder of the night. He just kept passing drinks up to her.

‘Keep this up Lards and you’ll have the fucking school record next year!’ he yelled over the noise of the chattering crowd that had gathered in the Entrance Hall.

Bitty by this point was quite drunk. He’d had another one of the spiked punches and was feeling a little giddy after cheering Lardo on in the tournament. He looked around to see if he could spot any of the Hufflepuff frogs, Chowder or Dex perhaps. Then he remembered Chowder was asleep under the table in the Great Hall. Bitty half-stifled a giggle at that.

He did notice Jack though. The Quidditch Captain was edging through the packed crowd in the Entrance Hall, making his way to the stairs.

‘Jack!’ Bitty called out, but Jack didn’t seem to hear him; he continued his way on up the stairs. Bitty decided to go after him.

‘Jack!’ he called out again, halfway up the stairs now. Jack, who was a couple of steps above him stopped and looked around.

‘Oh, hey Bitty’ he said in greeting, he paused to let Bitty catch him up before continuing on until they came to the landing which looked down on the Entrance Hall. There, Jack sat down on the edge of the landing, with his feet dangling over the edge.

‘Is that safe?’ asked Bitty looking down, because although there was a bannister, there was easily enough room to fall between the stone columns of it.

Jack shrugged, ‘Safe enough’ he said and he patted the stone floor next to him, encouraging Bitty to sit down as well. Bitty edged gingerly forward and kept ahold of the stone rail and slid his legs over the edge like Jack.

They had a good view. They could see all of the Entrance Hall and through into the Great Hall as well. Bitty could even make out the table Chowder was snoozing under.

‘So how’s it been?’ asked Jack sounding quite chipper.

‘Oh, okay,’ replied Bitty, desperately wishing he had something more interesting to say, because although he was having a good time tonight, nothing particularly noteworthy had happened to him. He hadn’t got off with an attractive Slytherin on the dance floor, unlike some.

‘No cute boys?’ asked Jack and Bitty went bright red.

‘ _What?!’_ he spluttered, _‘_ uhmm how.. how did you…?’

‘Oh sorry Bits! Was I not supposed to say anything?’ Jack was looking worried.

‘No…I….just’ Bitty’s mind was whirling, he’d only ever told three people that he was gay, plus Lardo who’d figured it out _._ ‘I didn’t know that you knew was all.’

‘Oh well, yeah I guess I knew. But Bits, it doesn’t change the way I feel about you, you’re still my friend yeah?’

‘I’m your friend?’ The words came out his mouth in slight disbelief, Jack was Bitty’s friend but Bitty had never been sure where he stood with Jack, whether he was just an annoying teammate or something else.

‘Of course you are!’ exclaimed Jack, ‘How could you not think that? Bitty you are seriously the best….you’re amazing.’

Bitty was sure his eyes were the size of dinner plates. Tonight, Jack had called him by his nickname and complimented him and said he was his friend….it felt nice.

Somewhere within him, that flame he’d carried around for the past three years sparked into life and made his heart beat fast. Bitty threw his arms around Jack and pulled him close in a hug.

‘What?-‘ said Jack before laughing at Bitty’s enthusiastic hug. Bitty could feel the laughter running through Jack’s body, his shoulders shaking and his chest rising and falling and it was all too much. As he pulled out of the hug he glanced up into Jack’s face. It was so nice to see him smiling, he never smiled. And he was smiling because of Bitty. Bitty didn’t even think, he just leaned in and kissed him, square on the mouth.

There was a long pause. Jack stopped laughing and stilled in Bitty’s arms.

Bitty drew back and opened his eyes. Jack’s face was so near to his own. His eyes were closed and he took in a deep breath-

‘-Shit’ said Jack.

Bitty was confused. It was Jack’s voice which had spoken the words, but Jack’s mouth hadn’t moved.

‘Bitty-‘ came Jack’s voice again, and at this Jack opened his eyes in front of Bitty and turned to the side. ‘Oh _fuck,’_ he said, and this time his did mouth moved to form the words.

Bitty’s heart crumbled. How could he be so stupid! Kissing Jack?! Of course Jack wasn’t into him, Jack was straight. What was the rule? The number one rule? _Never fall for a straight boy._

He pulled his arms from around Jack and moved away.

‘Jack, I’m sorry, it was stupid, I don’t know what I was thinking. Please can we just ignore-‘

‘Bitty’ said Jack, but in front of him Jack didn’t say anything, was still just staring off to the side. The voice seemed to come from there so Bitty looked over too. And saw Jack.

Wait.

Jack was sitting in front of him. His legs were still over the ledge and his hands were in his lap. It was Jack.

But Jack was also standing by the doorway at the top of the Entrance Hall stairs. Shock was written all over his face.

Bitty literally did a double take.

There were _two_ Jacks.

‘What?’ he whispered. He was seeing things. He blinked. Nope, they were still there. There were definitely two Jacks. Had he really had that much to drink? What had Shitty put in that punch?

‘Bitty, this wasn’t supposed to happen!’ said the Jack sitting before him.

‘Fucking shit,’ swore the standing Jack.

‘Jack what’s going on?’ asked Bitty, trying his hardest to keep his voice level. There were too many emotions running through him right now. The feeling of joy that he’d had moments before, when Jack had called him amazing was rapidly draining away. The feeling of impulsive euphoria which had made him kiss Jack had vanished to be replaced with rejection which had slammed into him like a bludger to the gut. Every negative thought and insecurity he’d had about feeling attracted towards the Quidditch Captain was rising to the surface but he couldn’t even process it because suddenly there were two Jacks and-

‘-I’m not Jack,’ said the Jack Bitty had just kissed, interrupting his thoughts.

‘Really,’ stated Bitty, forcing his voice not to wobble as he folded his arms, ‘Because you look a hell of a lot like Jack to me.’

‘Yeah I know I look like Jack,’ said the Jack who was sitting down in front of Bitty. ‘But I’m actually Ransom,’

‘And I’m Holster,’ said the second Jack.

Bitty looked from Jack to Jack trying to comprehend what they were saying. _‘What?’_ he whispered, ‘No, no, no,’ he started shaking his head as the no’s tumbled out. There was only one way this could have happened.

‘We made polyjuice potion- ‘ said Jack number one.

‘-And put Jack’s hair in it,’ finished Jack number two.

‘You….’ Suddenly, little things began to click into place. Jack, checking his appearance in the common room mirror, Jack waiting for Ransom. Jack looking for Holster.

‘But….but…. _why_?’ asked Bitty. Of all the things…..why would Ransom and Holster pretend to be Jack? Why would they go to all that trouble to create polyjuice potion?

‘Have you seen how many girls are into Jack?’ said Jack aka Ransom.

‘Mr Quidditch is _very_ popular with the ladies’ chipped in Jack aka Holster.

‘You….you pretended to be Jack to….to get _laid?’_ asked Bitty in disbelief.

‘Well when you put it like that,’ said Ransom-Jack sheepishly.

‘It worked though,’ said Holster-Jack happily, ‘Look, even you fell for it, never knew you had a thing for Jack, eh Bits?’

And it was all too much, the joy, the hug, the kiss, the rejection, the confusion and now the humiliation. ‘I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU WOULD DO THIS!’ exploded Bitty in outrage. ‘WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA??!!’

‘Hey, Bits calm down it was just a bit of fun,’ said Ransom-Jack, trying to put his arms out to Bitty, but Bitty swatted him away.

‘OH A BIT OF FUN, A BIT OF FUN??!!’

‘I don’t think he found it funny, Holtz’ said Ransom-Jack whose expression was one of nervousness as Bitty drew out his wand threateningly.

‘Give me one good reason not to curse both your asses off this ledge right now,’ said Bitty, his tone, low and dangerous. ‘Let’s see how hard it’ll be to scrape you off the Entrance Hall floor.’

‘Bitty I swear, we didn’t mean for anyone to find out,’ said Holster-Jack, advancing forwards to come to Ransom-Jack’s side.

‘That’s not even a reason,’ said Bitty and he raised his wand as if to hex them both.

‘Woah woah!’ they both cried out, clearly terrified.

‘Look Bitty, we’re sorry, we really are. We promise not to do it again, on Merlin’s beard, we swear,’

‘Swear on both your mother’s lives,’ said Bitty, pointing at each of the Pseudo-Jack’s in turn. They babbled out their oaths.

‘ _AND’_ hissed Bitty threateningly, ‘If you ever, _ever,_ tell anyone about my feelings for Jack, or about the kiss, I will hex you so hard no girl will ever want kiss you again. And then I will make sure Professor McGonagall knows what you did and your pathetic, sorry asses will be kicked out of this school, understand?’

Both fake-Jack’s just nodded, their eyes tracking the movement of Bitty’s wand in fear.

‘How long have you got until it runs out?’ asked Bitty, still pointing his wand at them.

‘Err, probably about 10 minutes?’ guessed Holster-Jack.

‘Right,’ huffed Bitty, ‘Get behind that tapestry over there’ and he used his wand to point to a tapestry on the wall behind which was a narrow corridor leading to the third floor classrooms. At this time of night it was likely to be deserted. The two Jack’s hurried under Bitty’s direction and Bitty followed close behind. They loitered in the corridor and waited for the effects of the polyjuice potion to wear off.

After a while, one of the Jacks - Bitty had lost track of who it really was - spoke ‘Hey Bits, I’m sorry about the kiss you know. I didn’t mean to make you think that I, or Jack, liked you back.’

And whilst Bitty knew that Ransom was trying to be sincere in his apology, the words still stung. What Ransom had said to Bitty, under the guise of Jack, would be perfectly friendly and amicable coming from Ransom’s mouth. But because Bitty had been under the impression that it had been Jack saying those things, he’d interpreted them much more differently.

He laughed bitterly, ‘I should have known something was up,’ he said to the pseudo-Jacks, ‘Jack has never once called me ‘Bitty’, it’s always ‘Bittle’, and I’m not his friend. I’m just a Seeker too scared of his own shadow to catch the Snitch properly.’

‘Bitty no!’ the two Jack’s exclaimed and it was so weird. He was definitely starting to see that they weren’t Jack. Their postures were different, the different intonations on certain words stood out. Yes, they looked and sounded like Jack -which was very unnerving- but they weren’t Jack, just imitations.

‘Bits, listen. Jack’s really serious, like super serious. All he thinks about is Quidditch, okay? It took him ages to call us by our nicknames too.’

‘Yeah, and you are a brilliant Seeker Bitty, stop putting yourself down so much. Bludgers are fucking mental okay? It’s our job to keep them away from you. How do you think we feel every time one of them gets past us and towards you?’

Bitty looked up then, to see two very sincere Jack Zimmermanns looking at him. ‘I…’ he started but didn’t know what to say.

‘Bitty, every time it feels like I’ve failed.’ said Holster-Jack, Bitty could tell because his blond hair was starting to return.

‘Every single fucking time one of those bastard balls goes near you it means I’ve failed my job,’ said Ransom nodding in agreement. His skin was beginning to darken and his eyes change shape.

‘We’re here to protect you Bits. Every single one of us on the team wants you there. Even Jack, he just forgets to show it sometimes-‘

‘-Most of the time.’

‘-But don’t you forget it, eh? C’mere you,’ and Holster who was rapidly gaining height launched himself at Bitty and wrapped him in a bear hug.

‘Ow ow, get off, GET OFF!’ squealed Bitty, laughing despite himself.

‘Thank Merlin you’re smiling again’ said Ransom in Ransom’s voice. He was nearly all back to resembling himself now as was Holster.

‘Yeah Bits,’ agreed Holster, letting go of Bitty. He drew out his glasses from his dress robe pocket to put back on his face. ‘You are fucking scary when you’re mad.’

‘Oh I’m still mad’ said Bitty, stepping back and folding his arms, ‘I’m still trying to figure out the best way to make sure you never try something like this again.’

Holster and Ransom shared nervous looks as Bitty pondered. ‘I think…no pie for the next term. That sounds about fair don’t you think?’

The howls that statement generated caused Bitty to scarper from behind the tapestry and leg it back to the common room. Tall, angry Beaters with pie-privileges revoked were not happy creatures.

*~*

 

Upon arrival back at the Hufflepuff common room Bitty was greeted with the sight of Jack sitting at one of the desks, writing what looked to be a herbology essay. That alone proved that this was the real Jack.

‘Boy am I glad to see you!’ exclaimed Bitty as he flumped down into a nearby chair. Jack looked up from his essay, ‘Oh hi Bittle, did you have a good time?’ and Bitty had never been so pleased to hear Jack call him Bittle, the world was right again.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading, any feedback is much appreciated :)
> 
> I can be found on tumblr [here](http://www.hazelwickpepperweb.tumblr.com), where there is a heck of a lot of Check Please! on my blog right now.


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